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Bullies and I

Since I was 7, I have been studying in a residential school, where students can only go home on weekends. So I regard the school as my home; I treat classmates as my siblings. Things had gone smoothly before I attended 7th grade, when I met my new schoolmates; I thought they loved the school as much as me and my prior classmates did. However, I had the wrong assumption. I saw one of the bigger boys commanded a boy named Li to bring him table-water. It was ridiculous since the “bully” he could have easily gotten it by himself.

As a result, I began tried to devise actions that would protect our harmonious home. But I, only a little girl, could not do much. Sadly, the situation got more and more sour. Ragging Li was just the beginning, and as time went on, the bullies forced more and more students to do some things for them, including getting water, coats and even shoes. Night after night, I kept dwelling in my sleep. I tried to advocate against this behavior. But no one was there to help me. So I had to influence those around me. I took every chance to persuade my friends.

I wanted to organize a troop that can defend my schoolmates against bullies. Teachers won’t work well as there weren’t any students who dared to accused bullies, except me. But I knew that only by united together that we get harmony back in school. My plans attracted the bullies’ attention. They began to mob me by throwing chalks, tearing my books and insulting me. I was so scared; I was afraid of being thrashed. I was hagridden, always waking up during midnights. Regardless of all these, I did not stop my fight. How could I? I couldn’t let these bullies take away my precious home from me.

After a long struggle, some of my friends were moved by me. They finally decided to help me. Things went in our favor from then on. With a large number of impeaches that are constantly increasing, teachers finally helped us. As more and more students began to act against the bullies, the bullies lost their prerogatives. They had to come to terms. In the end, we brought the home back. If I had learned anything from this, I realized how much my surroundings, i. e. , my home, means to me. I also learned that with hard work and help from friends I could successfully fight against inequality.

NOTES 1. “in residential school” — sounds awkward. An article “a” should be added before “residential school” 2. “A school where only on weekends can students go home. ” — Is a fragment. It doesn’t have a subject and a verb. 3. “I had thought they loved the school just as we did. ” — “We” is inappropriate, the author should have used “I” because he compared how others loved school the same way he did. 5. “Casually, I saw one of them commanded a boy named Li to bring him table-water in peremptoriness” — “peremptoriness” is redundant to “commanded” because they refer to the same thing.

6. “Casually, I saw one of them” — Use of “them” at the start of a paragraph is discouraged since it would cause vaugeness. “combining forces” sounds too violent. 7. “… throwing chalks, tearing books and giving me pure insultments” — there is a parallelism problem. It should be “throwing chalks, tearing my books, and handing me insults. ” 8. “.. at the start of the midnight” — verbiage. “midnight” would have been fine. 9. “Ragging Li is just the beginning” — Tense problem. The event occurred during the past. Hence “was” should be used instead of “is” 10.

“I didn’t know how this situation escalated, but night after night, I kept dwelling in my sleep, and turned it into actions by advocating against such a behavior” — two separate ideas were placed in a long sentence. It’s better if the sentence is split into two. 11. “… my assumption was wrong” — Sentence’s passive. Turn it into active voice — “I had the wrong assumption. ” 12. “If I had learned anything from this, I learned.. ” — “learned” used twice. Change one to “realize”. REDLINED VERSION OF DRAFT Bullies and I Since I was 7, I have studiedbeen studying in a residential school since I was 7.

A school, where only on weekends can students can only go home on weekends. So I regard the school as my home; I treat classmates as my siblings. Things had gone smoothly before I attended 7th grade, wherewhen I met my new schoolmates; I had thought they loved the school just as weas much as me and my prior classmates did. However, myI had the wrong assumption was wrong. . Casually, I saw one of themthe bigger boys commanded a boy named Li to bring him table-water in peremptoriness. It was ridiculous since the “bully” he could have easily gotten the drinking water himself easily. I couldn’t understand.

It was the last thing I could imagine. Thereuponit by himself. As a result, I began tried to takedevise actions in protectingthat would protect our harmonious home. But I, only a little girl, could not do much. Sadly, the situation got more and more sour. Ragging Li iswas just the beginning, and as time went on, the bullies forced more and more students began to helpdo some things for them with, including getting water, coats and even shoes. I didn’t know how this situation escalated, but night Night after night, I dwelled hardkept dwelling in my sleep, and turned it into actions by advocating.

I tried to advocate against such athis behavior. But no one was there to help me. So I had to influence those around me. I often tried to seizetook every chance I could to persuade my friends. I wanted to organize a troop whichthat can turndefend my schoolmates against the bullies. Teachers won’t work well as there weren’t any students who dared to accused bullies, except me. But I knew, that only by combining forces couldunited together that we get the homeharmony back in school. My frequent activitiesplans attracted the bullies’ attentionsattention.

They began to mob me by throwing chalks, tearing my books and pure insultmentsinsulting me. I was so scared, and; I was afraid of being thrashed. I was hagridden and always woke up at the start of the midnight. But I did not stop, and I could not stop. My home, our home, was the most precious thing to me during that time, always waking up during midnights. Regardless of all these, I did not stop my fight. How could I? I couldn’t let these bullies take away my precious home from me. After a long struggle, some of my friends were moved by me. They wantedfinally decided to help me and themselves.

Things went in our favor from then on. With a large number of impeaches that isare constantly increasing, teachers finally helped us. As more and more students began to act against the bullies, the bullies lost their prerogatives. They had to come to terms. In the end, we brought the home back. If I had learned anything from this, I learnedrealized how much my surroundingsurroundings, i. e. , my home, means to me; my home. And I learned my ambition and devotion to fight inequalities, until the very endI also learned that with hard work and help from friends I could successfully fight against inequality.

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