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I Just Would Not Fit

I always thought that I do not belong. Regardless of where I am, whom I am with, and what I am doing it feels like it is very hard for me to fit in. I am laying in this room wide-awake, very conscious of Pete’s every move, his breathing, the way he turns in almost every side of his bed, and sometimes even the way that he stares in the ceiling. I share a room with him as his parents have taken me into their family after my mom and dad died in an accident. I always admired Pete even though sometimes he does not even know that I exist or if he does he most often treat me like dirt.

You might ask, why would I even look up to someone who thought of me as nothing? However, I want to defend myself by explaining the characteristics that I found in Pete. He has this way of handling himself with confidence. He has to ability to easily make friends with other people and he also has the courage to approach a girl that could be regarded as the most popular one in school. But more than that, I am just looking for someone who I could treat as my older brother. I did all that I could in order to get close to Pete. I followed all that he wants and respected his wishes.

I never invited anyone in his room and I never touched any of his things. I gladly accept all of Pete’s old clothes that his parents handed over to me even though its obviously too big for me to wear. I proudly wear them hoping that if Pete sees this he would finally take notice of me. No matter what Pete told me might it sometimes be very mean to the point that I sometimes get offended, I just simply take all in. I think that sooner or later he would change his ways and see me and treat me more of a brother. Aside from Pete, I already exerted my effort to reach out to other people.

At school, I tried to befriend my classmates and schoolmates. I started by approaching them and introducing myself. However, I found out that being a “newbie” in a high school is really tough. I experienced being embarrassed and humiliated in front of other people. The first time I approach a group in school they criticized me saying, “What kind of a loser are you who wears hand-me-down clothes? ” Despite this incident I still tried to make friends in school but I once again experienced being bullied because they pertain to me as the “loser” who does not have a place in their group.

Nevertheless, there was this one instant wherein a group of teenagers in our school approached me and ask me to join them. I cannot explain the feeling that I have when this happened. For the first time, somebody wanted to be with me and they even ask for my company. However, I soon found out that the group that I thought that would finally accept me was only using me for their own personal gain. This group was a member of a gang whose main mode of operation is robbing other people in order to have money. They influenced me to rob an old woman who passes by an alleyway.

Even though I know that what they are ordering me to do is wrong I still master up my courage and do what they are asking me to accomplish. Unfortunately, there was a policeman near by and he saw everything that took place. The moment he blew his whistle every member of the group started running away and I was left alone. It’s a good thing that I know how to run fast, which enable me to mislead the police officer. At the backyard of Pete’s house while I was catching my breath, I started contemplating about myself.

I was thinking whether somebody would really accept me as who and what I am and who would treat me as a real brother. It is during this time that I thought about Pete. I went up to our room and reluctantly talk to him. “Pete? …” Even as his name came out of my mouth, I was still thinking twice whether I should continue this conversation with him or not. I keep on talking with him as my emotions get the better of me. I ask, “You do like me as much as if I was your own brother, don’t you Pete?

” While I was asking him this question, I feel like my life was depended on his answer, as if this was my last chance to actually feel like somebody would accept me. Pete did not answer immediately to my questions, which is why I nervously asking another one hoping that this time he would reply. “You have liked me all the time like I was your own brother, haven’t you? ” At this question of mine, Pete answered, “Sure. ” Upon saying that four-letter word I feel like he just saved from going through the verge of hopelessness.

Pete’s answer confirmed the belief that I always that deep within me he has always like me and treated me as a brother. As such, I cannot help but said, “No matter what you did I always knew you liked me. ” I woke up the next morning feeling like I was born again. Everything looks like brighter and better. I have this renewed energy and a new outlook in life. Things only get better when Pete started to hang out with me together with his friend Maybelle. He was treating me like his own brother and for the first time I believe that I really belong and that someone really cares for me.

Just when I though that I already found a real family in Pete, things started to change. All of sudden Pete was treating me very differently. He becomes moody and I noticed that he often gives me mean remarks as compared before when we were not yet that close to each other. On day, I tried to ask him what was wrong with him because I all of a sudden he is treating me very different as compared before. I asked, “Why is it we aren’t buddies like we were before? Why? ” Pete’s respond to my query is something that I will never forget in my life as he said “Why aren’t we buddies?

Because you’re the dumbest slob I ever saw! Nobody cares anything about you! And just because I felt sorry for you sometimes and tried to act decent don’t think I give a damn about a dumb-bunny like you! ” When Pete uttered these words, he just confirmed to me the deepest fear that I have that I am indeed worthless and not worthy to be loved nor liked by anyone. Due to this realization, I started to have this new attitude of not caring about anything or anyone. I started to bring some people in Pete’s room without any care of what he would say or do.

I treated Pete not the way as I used to do. I started giving him hard looks and even violent stares. I have to admit that I was really offended and even angry with him but more than, this kind of attitude that I have towards him is more like a defense mechanism because I do not want to hear those hurtful words again. After that, I also started being mean to other people, not showing any care or concern towards them because I think that maybe by doing things just like what Pete did to me somebody would also admire me to the point of exerting their effort for me to accept them.

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