How to be a defensive driver in Washington D.C

 So, you want to pay the wonderful city of Washington a visit? Good for you, really. There are all manner of reasons why any person would like to do that. But a great fraction of people visiting Washington want to at least get to their destination, and then come out when they’re done with their business. A significant feat, if this is the first time you are visiting Washington D.C. This is because Washington abides by a special highway code called “defensive driving”. Washington drivers do not learn this code in an institution. They do so by experience, through sheer necessity.

While planning your trip to Washington, try to get your hands on several handy books. They have revealing titles like “Advanced NASCAR driving for Dummies” and “Combat Driving Techniques”. These give ageless wisdom that at least gives you a chance of escaping Washington’s highways with your vehicle intact. Forget all that stuff about Washington having tourist attractions. It is but an elaborate lie. People driving to Washington mean business, and with their dubious driving licenses, this business gets fatal on a regular base. Getting into Washington in a Ferrari and leaving in a hearse is not exactly news.

The odds are always stacked against the newbie driver in Washington’s highways. To level the playing field, a few steps can be taken. First of all, keep in mind that the steering pedal remains pressed down as long as you are in Washington. To facilitate this, get yourself a really heavy pair of shoes. Think LEAD insteps and soles. Really the Michael Jordan basketball types are virtually unheard of by Washington drivers. So are any kinds of fashion pumps. So go to the nearest shoe specialty store and get the order going. Remember, Washington’s highways aren’t catwalks.

  Your car needs to be Washington compliant. By this, the more flack it can take, the longer you can last in Washington. Does it have clear rear view mirrors? Good. You will see the enemy sneaking up on you. Is it armored? Even better some irate drivers on those highways actually do carry firepower. Does your vehicle have overhead cannons and fire blowers? Now you’re starting to get carried away. Unless of course you are planning to visit the west side of the town, otherwise, a baseball bat or crowbar should be enough. But in all other respects, your vehicle should be fortified, and as big as possible. A Hummer is an excellent ride.

With the car prepped out for the warzone, the next thing to take into account is your mentality. Believe it or not, there are some mental states that can’t survive in Washington. You can’t, for example, drive around with notions of courtesy over there. Unless you have the rest of the year to get to your destination this is because some drivers specialize in cutting others off. Be especially wary of any driver trying to get in front of you. Their intentions are rarely noble. Most just want to get ahead of you, and then make a sudden left or right turn, just for the hell of it. You find yourself obliged to slam on your brakes, and grind your molars in fury.

An important thing to keep in mind is that the Washington highway belongs to you as much as you’d like it to. Nobody can relieve you of that privilege. So immediately you hit the highway, hum to yourself the mantra: “As far as the eye can see, this highway is mine. I’m the king on this highway. The car is my throne, and the tarmac is my footstep…” Keep up the mantra until you actually believe it. If some other dim wit tries to take away your kingdom, drive the point home to him… literally. See why you need a fortified car?

As you drive along, you’ll notice some signs that the Department of Transportation, in their humor, set up. Some signs tell you to “yield”, for example. This is of course impractical, if you are trying to enter the main highway from a side road. And that’s where your extra-heavy shoes come into play. As you approach the main highway, gently press the accelerator. Let the shoe do the rest. You’ll quickly learn that breaks in the highway traffic occur only when you impose your will on the other drivers. Any driver hooting at you is actually cheering at you. Wave back merrily, and be on your way.

Crossing the four lanes of the road is a piece of cake. Simply swerve over to the lane you want to get into. Any driver behind you with even half a brain will know better than to drive into you. It’s elementary: you can’t bump into the car in front, even if it is reversing. And drop all attempts at being pleasant. People in D.C. wouldn’t understand “pleasant” if it landed on their wind shields. D.C. is the seat of all Democrats, after all. They pay homage to that driver who uses one hand on the steering wheel and the other to communicate with other drivers. Be careful to follow the special communication code of Washington. That international hand signal you were taught is simply unheard of on the Washington highways. Here, the crazier you look, the faster your messages will get across.  Throw a couple of eggs at any driver who look especially slow in understanding you.

If it rains while you are on the highway, it is time to put your NASCAR background into practice. Keep the gas pedal pressed to the floor. There is no greater thrill than swerving and skidding on the slippery road, amid hoots from the other drivers. And like the best drivers out there, never switch on your windshield wipers. You’ll soon be in your own world, and the other drivers on the road will fade to just but white noise in the background. You’ll notice that just like you, nobody else bothers to switch on the lights, unless it is a show-off with the full beams on. If you get one such show off, follow the simple rule of giving as much as you get. Put on the full beams and light his or her small world. Finally, remember that snow tires are the products of fertile minds. They don’t work. Don’t bother with them even if it snows.

Under no circumstance should you ever ask for directions to any destination, even if you have never gone there before. Just get on the highway and drive. Any reasonable destination should soon be in sight, unless your gas runs out first. If the gas does run out, turn your fury to anybody else in the car. They are to blame. They are even more to blame if you lack some parking space once you get to your destination, four hours behind schedule. Threaten them with a court martial or something. Declare that you are going to turn back immediately and head homewards. That should generate some real warmth within the car. Anyone turning grumpy simply does not have a sense of humor their loss, not yours.

So, to recount on the main points: prep your car, arm yourself, and own the road. Make sure you leave a strong impression with any other driver on the road. Be a real jerk on the road. And never ask for directions. When you don’t know where you are going, you are not lost. You are just a bit disoriented. It can happen to anyone. And remember, the more unique your hand gestures, the more effective they’ll be in getting your messages across. Follow these guidelines, and you’ll soon be an old hand on Washington’s highways. If you still need some additional information, do not hesitate to contact me on 1-800-I-have no-clue.

Sample Essay of StudyFaq.com